Monday, 19 June 2017

Drone Life

Sweat dripping down my face, breathing heavy, heart beating while trying to escape from my chest, another step is taken as eyes glance forward and up. Only another twenty heavy, unrelenting, savage slate steps to go before the shade can be reached. It’s one of the hottest days of the year, so far, thus deciding to scale the side of a mountain via slate created steps, which always seems like a great idea when presented as an adventure, isn't that wise.

The sweat keeps on coming, as the shade appears and, sitting down, I can feel the sick feeling rise in my stomach, chest and head. I've pushed a bit too hard, willed my body to glance past limits or, another way of thinking about it, is that I'm not as fit as I used to be and it’s showing. Gym here I come. Being able to bench press x or y is no help in this place, surrounded by near silence, with a view to die for. Maybe literally.

Breathing in through my nose, then out slowly through my mouth, I find a stable place and a smile rises onto my lips. The only time I've ever been ill was around the age of 16, forcing myself to scale that hill located in Cwm, without stopping once. I did it but fell to my knees and the rest is history. It’s good to push limits, it’s an exhalation of who you could be, should be, if you’d will your mind to push past its own safety limits.

Onwards, ever upwards, into the cave ahead and beyond. The cool air hits me, thankfully, but there’s no respite for my already weary legs. It’s Lucozade time. Believe it or not, being a mildly placid person that I am, Lucozade is usually ignored, as the stuff makes me angry. Blood flowing angry. It’s what I need as that anger can be turned into something needed to drive my legs.

The second wind appears as the sun literally beams down onto my frame. I need to buy a hat and, seeing as this was the first outing for my walking shoes, a hat could be a prudent decision and frankly quite wise. My eyes start to sting as the salty sweat finds its way into everything.

The top. It’s here. It’s grandeur impresses, even if it’s tried to kill me, I still move forward. There is an easy track, a very easy track, but why would you want to walk on that? You might miss something amazing which, as the drone is with me, sounds silly as I could just fly here! Real life, real views, real impressions is what I prefer. After all, if you’re going to go somewhere, really, really go there. Don’t waste any energy and make sure you’re satisfied along the way.

I have no chocolate, only a bottle of water, a dwindling bottle of crazy Lucozade and no hat. Better be quick as heat stroke is never a good thing. The view, this is what it’s for, the darn amazing view. We only have a select few days, in the U.K., that feature amazing weather so every single one of those days must be experienced. Of course, in my younger days, I didn’t see it quite like that but that was until the darn drone arrived.

Even though any financial setting, be it a castle, a few fields in the middle of nowhere, if there’s money involved you will not be able to bring your drone. It’s blatantly obvious now that I’ve been flying for a while, which is a shame, but that’s the way it is. Despite that there’s the hunt. You just want to get better, to grab beautiful shots and, on my varied travels, I’ve seen so many amazing settings. I’ve been to quite a few places around the world, with many more to come, but the United Kingdom, away from the crazy violence, bombs, attacks and other upsets, is beautiful.

All we have to do is believe, to explore, to venture forward, to see what’s out there. It will get you, one day, as the mind craves stimulation even though it denies it all.  I like bikes, I like drones, not a fan of running, but these places have opened my mind to many, many smiles. I’ve a drone life which, thankfully, gets me out there into the real world.

The Drone Life.

P.s. My new walking shoes have now met the sludge that fills random mountain bogs. Yuck.

Tuesday, 30 May 2017

Political Life Rant

Nothing has changed, in the great scheme of things, other than finding new and exciting ways of distracting us from life. We realise, on our last day, that we've missed so very, very much. We still have our overlords, our pretend saviours that rule with rules and fines while they, themselves, escape perusal and persecution.

It is fine, it’s okay, it doesn't matter, as we’re warm in our beds and safe as protected hearts. It doesn't seem to be a realistic scenario, the thought of working, paying, until the end of our time, despite there being renewable energy right in front of our eyes. It’s not supposed to get easier, as we’re controlled, withheld, a step back from where we really could be.

In an ideal world each of our saviours, the educated, trained, saviours that rule over our thoughts and actions, would be taken to a room and fired. Each one. Asked to leave. It’s obvious, it’s right in front of your eyes, that there’s still a class system at work in our very society. We’re constantly told that we’re all special, the same, no matter the colour, height, stance or creed, yet mock anyone or anything that’s even slightly different than ourselves. It’s a taught trait, it’s passed from generation to generation and, no matter the tolerance, will still end with a 10 year old being offered a cigarette at the back of a playground.

This is life, this might be your life, it’s my life, but only together can we stop the greed and consumption. We’re still fixated on printing, with paper, despite there being a wealth of technical diversions. We’re now pacified. Each level, no matter the media, we’re fed images of what and how we’re supposed to look, how we’re to feel, yet the undertone of fear and hostility, with a spoon full of hatred for others, is played like the finest clarinet to fill our ears.

Ideally I resist, normally I ignore, but the further the years advance I'm becoming more and more baffled by the way things still remain the same. Fraud, at the highest level, is part of the normal working day. It’s madness, it’s shameful but, if I were there, what would I do?  I’d like to believe that I’d be better, that I’d do what’s right, but until we’re sitting on that chair, on top of the mountain, looking down, we have no idea what poison may manage to quickly seduce our minds. Maybe the first step would be to stop looking down… .

Each day we’re lucky, actually lucky, not to be assaulted, robbed, or worse. That, however, is outside in the real world. Inside our homes we’re legally threatened, charged excessive amounts, forced to buy TV licences and even pay for basics such as water.  The Basically Biased Crooks place agendas In front of our eyes and the mainstream media promote diversion and segregation. It’s shockingly obvious, it’s painfully puerile, but it keeps all of us in line.

One day, maybe one day, we’ll be allowed to wake up and actually have faith in people that seemingly control our lives.

Life Map

Looking at the map, the lines, all of the names, I throw a small smile onto my face as I glance at the various places I've been. Exploring, at an earlier age, wasn't something I attained to but, now that I'm that bit older, I've realised that venturing forward fits into my desire to create. Explore, create, relive, smile, laugh and move on.

The lines twist across the page, connected, joined, reaching forward to a world that begs for each of us to explore. Sometimes we stop, the junction looming into view, stopping as we’re not quite ready to drive ourselves forward. Left, or right, forward being the direct option, with reverse as the last diversion.

Looking up, from the map, I backtrack and realise that reverse can sometimes be useful, at times, if you know a quicker way forward that’s just behind you. Smirking, a crafty look, with eyes falling back to the map. I know that we prefer speed, to rush to the next step, but there’s obviously fuel to be considered. Energy, support, type pressure, oil levels and snacks to think about.

The plan, the journey, the best laid plans, often being thrown into the wind in favour of another flavoured adventure. Why not plan the trip, to an extent, then throw caution away and just go wild. There’s places, faces, many races, all there offering adventure, exploration, smiles and maybe even a little danger. We, after all, only have today to live as tomorrow is then but, we’re here now, moving forward.

Maybe you’ll bite your lip, slip the gear stick into gear, lifting your foot with the clutch, slowly, feeling the bite and then after checking each direction, dare to move directly forward. We all know what we’d like, or at least have a reasonable expectation, so only we can drive ourselves there. Others can assist, maybe even drop you off at a destination, but the final drive will always, always, come from within.

We know where we've been, we ultimately know where the very last final journey will take us, so exploring the very map of life can sometimes be a viable thing to do. Personally, privately, I’d prefer to go crazy, to explore, to simply drive to destination A, to see B, C, D and E. Each corner affords a new experience, to go wild, to be crazy, to be silly, to explore and to experience. We've lived the mundane, we’re existing in a controlled world, so find that highway that has no speed limit and just drive.

Looking at the map, the places, all of the names, I throw a small smile onto my face as I glance at the various places I need to visit. Exploring the person that I am, at my current age, is something I attain to do now that I'm that bit older, as I'm realising that venturing forward fits into my desire to create.

Explore, learn, understand, smile, laugh and move on. 

Thursday, 11 May 2017

Real Life

Over the many years, at supposedly random moments, I've felt loss and pain. I know that I'm no different, better, or worse, than anyone else, but it’s still something that’s happened to me. Most of us have loved, lost, watched people walk away or even, which is also quite possible, walked away from individuals. Of course none of us, I hope, meant to hurt anyone but that’s this thing called life.

Right now, today, this moment that’s being shared via the power of words, I'm scattered across the floor and room. A thousand little bits. Maybe even a million. I'm not going to count.  Being this divided, across said room, is literally forcing me to face a thousand memories. Each little bit of me, this person, has a thought to share and exclaim. That would be okay, as I'm used to a hundred thoughts flashing across my mind, but in this case each thought wishes to torture my soul.

We've all felt doubt, felt lost, even felt guilty, but for me they’re all emotional moments bombarding my mind over and over again. Usually, when under pressure, I find a solution, I look to the positive while thinking how the negative might come into play but, no matter what, I rise as that’s what I need to do. I know what needs to be done. I act. Even if it takes a week, a month, after each angle’s explored, I act.  Now, today, I'm truly stuck screaming for an answer.

There is no answer. My Mother passed away, she’s no longer here and, just the thought of that, makes me cry pure anguish into the world. I’m so angry, almost broken, that the person that’s held my hand from the moment I arrived into the world is no longer here. Then, the next second, all I feel is her memory trying to tell me that I’ll be okay.

This weekend I visited Ireland which, in a way, is facing certain aspects head on. I don’t know the answer. Time heals all but, in this case, there is no healing from this situation. I almost feel that I need to literally bleed tears until I can heal but I just don’t know how to do that. I’ve been brought up, more or less trained, to be self-sufficient. I’ve spent so much time on my own that I do not know how to share these aspects of my life which means, when I’m on my own, I grasp at a chance to let the emotion free. I cry, I scream, I wrestle with the thoughts until the calm invades everything again.

There is no escape from who you are and how you feel. There is no vision of a perfect solution. I can feel my mind, in the background, speaking with my heart, trying to resolve the issues and conflict within. I know that they’ll find a solution, eventually, as that’s how stubborn I must be. I know that I’m not the only person feeling the madness that wants to take control, but I, we, won’t let it.

Life isn’t fair, it’s not meant to be, as it’s natural, progressing forward no matter the cost or implications for feelings, family or anything else. There is a time for all things. Right now, this time in my life, is a time to heal and grow. How on earth I can grow I truly do not know but I still have hope. From all pain there can flow a better path.

I’ll carry on crying, I’ll carry on shouting at random objects, I’ll find a way to let the pain escape as that’s as much as any of us can do. It hurts like hell, it literally makes me want to scream, to thrash around damning the world, but that’s not fair as I can hardly ever expect lenience from a world where no special favour is provided by nature. This is the natural order that has always been, will always be, without question or divergence.

In a way, my own little way, this blog is my own little fountain of expression. I can type, then type more words, slowly and quietly, letting my thoughts escape into the world until I divert to fiction again. This is real life, this is happening now, but tomorrow might just be a work of fiction. I truly hope so.


Being aware of your own feelings, your thoughts, how you're coping with the world is important so please, no matter how you do it, share!

There's friends, family and forums that should hopefully be ready to listen

Thursday, 20 April 2017


Behind those eyes of yours, I can see that you’re a warrior, a stoic hero of life, strong, resilient, conquering, despite the many pieces of yourself strewn across the floor, from previous inflicted damage. You’re brutal, you’re soft, with cracks pieced together with the super glue of promise and hope, admonishing yourself with clear impudence, while caressing your wounds as you pour from a newly formed break.

No matter where or when I am, in this world of ours, I can close my eyes, hearing my own heart beating as I imagine words whispered from your lips. It doesn't matter what you say, as instead, it’s how you say them that works the way they do. I'm entranced, taken within your spell, all knowing and feeling when you’re within my orbit.

I know your life, I've felt it, known it on the many nights of abandonment and feeling. You've been hurt, you've been cured, broken again and again but no matter the situation or crime, you've always, always, surfaced for air. No matter the scar, no matter the depth of the many cuts, you’re one of the few that can still smile and throw it all aside. It might take an army of insults, a magnitude of selfish acts, before you raise a stern eyebrow. I know you can exhale your pain, throwing the tears into the world, but that’s your safety margin and sacrifice.

I've seen you, know all about the moments, where you've found a corner of the room to hide. You've curled yourself, together, legs by your chin, your arms holding you together, as the pain broke through those current scars of yours, reaching for solace. No matter how you hide, no matter where you go, I know that you’re a fighter and survivor. In that place of yours, those moments, you feel with all your heart, exclaiming your disappointment with the world, realising, wondering and rationalising the many sides and victims of the situation.

That’s why I'm here, that’s why I care, that’s why I want you more than anyone in this world. You can see. You can exist despite it all, the injustice, the idiocy of life. Rising like that phoenix, which we've all be told about, you eventually appear, a survival re-birth, re-born anew. Mascara strewn across your face, mild lipstick ever so unkempt, all dried within the layer of tears. Eyes meet, hands join, lips cross together and the world is born again.

If there were only ever going to be one more day, after this very second, I know where I would be and reside. There wouldn't be a fantasy, there wouldn't be any games, it would just be you, me, somewhere warm and no words would be required. We’d speak, oh we would speak, in many, many ways.

Behind those eyes of yours, I can see that you’re a survivor, a brave follower of life, tender, giving, a little brash, despite being able to withstand anything life seems to throw at you. You’re a maverick, you’re outrageous, with skin as resilient as the hardest metal, hardly ever letting anything crack your resolve, dispendious to a fault, clearly astonishing and a woman that hardly ever knows any bounds in this world.

You are you and that’s why I love you. Always.

Wednesday, 12 April 2017

Opinion: When You're Just a Number...

Behind every database, in the world, there sits a number. It doesn't matter if you’re tall, petite, on the lovable side or slender bracket, you’re still a number. Your address is there, your phone number, maybe even a picture of your face depending on the platform but, as mentioned you’re a number and will only ever be that number.

All small businesses start off with healthy appetites, eager, maybe even brash, but ever hopeful of one day becoming the next big name. Maybe I'm being a bit too presumptuous, stating and using the word ‘all’, as some people actually like staying in their own corner of their world, with no reason or reliance on expanding. You might be one of those people if you own a business. Let’s place those healthy people aside for a moment and concentrate on the others.

You’re a business, starting out, already envisioning the future of wealth and prosperity. The future arrives, you've made it bigger and then one of two things might just happen. A bigger company comes along and snatches you up, amalgamates you into their fold, which often means that you’re destroyed or lost along the way. You’re a cog in a very, very, VERY big machine. You might scream, shout at the top of your lungs but, as expected, you’re drowned by the very nature of big business.

The other avenue is the most desired, the big time, the big name that everyone comes to know, speak of and visit. Sales are amazing, spectacular, plus expansion is going well. You hit a few speed bumps along the way, hire a few lawyers and follow the standard practise of things, ensuring that you, as well as your customers, are covered. 

You want to stay personal, special, treating each and every single person as they should be treated but, as I’m sure you’re aware, that’s not the way it goes. For the most part, within your day to day lives, buying from companies is an easy affair.  Within seconds your money flies through the wires and your product quickly arrives. Or, alternatively, you obviously collect your item from a store. Either way the result is that you’re happy (not that any product can truly make a person happy). 

eBay, one of the world’s most famous brands, recently developed a Concierge program which, in a vain effort to make people feel special, offered a cloud and mirror service to their ‘valued’ customers. To me, reading the literature, it seemed to afford the customer what they already had. Marketing, on the other hand, were obviously trying to make me ‘feel’ valued. I didn't. While the service was supposedly offered to me, due to being apparently special, it was also offered to my work account that had 84 feedback. All of the marketing bluster, the special warm words, fell apart into a void that made me smile.

Amazon, another one of the world brands, recently allowed to refund 85% of a return price which meant a loss, for me, of £293. Although I provided adequate proof of faults, links, explanations, I had absolutely no control of the situation at all. Customer services, albeit eager to help, all replied with the same comments be they on Facebook, twitter or via their portal.
Disillusioned, angered, annoyed? Not really. I played the game of the person angered by the process, calmly explaining the issues but, as you’re aware, it all fell on deaf ears. After exclaiming the situation, providing information, Amazon and Scan both fell silent due to the logic of details provided. 

Now that I've ranted, back to the blog. I'm a number. I'm not an actual person and, being honest, I can see how and why these situations exist. For every genuine, sincere, honest person returning an item, there will and always will be 10 other people who simply do not care and mistreat systems. But why shouldn't they? They are, after all, again, just a number on a database. In an ideal world, to which I expressed my dissatisfaction, someone, somewhere, within a company, should ‘own’ your issue. They tackle that issue from the very start to the very end. Even a rational counter argument would be sensible but, that’s not really possible, once you’re a number on a list that serves to provide a profit figure and more products to advertise.

Large businesses are not personal, they never can be, with their only solitary goal being to please shareholders and their bottom line. It’s soulless, it’s brutal consumption on an enormous level and, again with this honest thing, I'm also part of the problem. Big companies can own you, literally own part of your life. From the television you watch, the products that are pushed towards you, to trying to root themselves into your life to a point where you’re stuck.

In Amazon’s case, I have my book published on their platform, I buy all of my music from there due to Apple offering m4a instead of mp3 (Yes I know iTunes can convert), I'm a Prime member (cancelled) and, if they sold fruit, I’d probably buy that as well.

When all is written and read, when I sit down to think about these things, especially after being annoyed by the processes forced onto us (Right or wrong), I still cannot escape the fact that you, I, we, everyone, even to the medical, police and government, we’re still and always will be… just a number.

Monday, 10 April 2017

I Need To Go...

I need to go now. I wish that I was staying longer, if only for a few more moments, but life is calling me. I know that there’s a time, an imposed limit, thrown through the void into my life, but that’s okay and mostly accepted. This is where I am, who I’ll become, where I'm heading. If only, I bleed a wish, remembering that the universe cannot dare spare me more time.

I can hear voices, the many moments of time, echoing through my mind. The things I’ve done, the things that I should have done, the places I’d have liked to have visited but, instead, waited for a future moment and time. We all know that it waits for no-one, the life we lead, but there’s always tomorrow. Maybe.

I need to go now. There are lows to life, the wows that arrive from many facets, many avenues, along with the many smiles and moments of laugher. Sometimes, it really does feel, as if the moments all seem to be one. I’d beg for a year of laughter, a year of love, a year of kisses and a year of dreams. I’d gladly throw away the tears, although they’ve made me who I am, in order to just allow room for more adventures.

Life’s real, it doesn’t care for paper planes flying through the air, it doesn’t smile at a child’s laughter, as it’s been there, seen it all, broken down and thrown all the excuses into the darkest depths, then returned for more. It’s realism, it’s realistic, it’s brutal and, most of all, it’s the life we lead.

I need to go now. Looking to the sky, blinking as the sun shines into my soul, I know that there’s a time for everything, a place for everyone, even when that place is nowhere, you have to carry forward everything you leave in your mind. Escape, run away, leave, but above all, realise that you’ll still bring it all with you.

If there were easy solutions, I honestly, hand on heart, might not take them if I had a chance to live again. It’s that realism, the moments, the tears cried in those seconds, that have made us who we truly are on this day. The grass, they say, might be greener, but on which side, in what way, as that grass might be resting on forbidden soil. We just don’t know.

I need to go now. I’m away, I’m cutting away, leaving behind a few moments, a measure of pain, while keeping love within my heart. I know that I haven’t said much, explained myself, but that’s for me to know and for no-one to understand. I’m climbing back towards a healing place. I can feel the pressure, inside, hurting my heart and mind and, because of the person I am, I can no longer hold onto that place.

I need to go now, right now, as I have to heal. There’s a better place calling… .