Thursday, 11 May 2017

Real Life

Over the many years, at supposedly random moments, I've felt loss and pain. I know that I'm no different, better, or worse, than anyone else, but it’s still something that’s happened to me. Most of us have loved, lost, watched people walk away or even, which is also quite possible, walked away from individuals. Of course none of us, I hope, meant to hurt anyone but that’s this thing called life.

Right now, today, this moment that’s being shared via the power of words, I'm scattered across the floor and room. A thousand little bits. Maybe even a million. I'm not going to count.  Being this divided, across said room, is literally forcing me to face a thousand memories. Each little bit of me, this person, has a thought to share and exclaim. That would be okay, as I'm used to a hundred thoughts flashing across my mind, but in this case each thought wishes to torture my soul.


We've all felt doubt, felt lost, even felt guilty, but for me they’re all emotional moments bombarding my mind over and over again. Usually, when under pressure, I find a solution, I look to the positive while thinking how the negative might come into play but, no matter what, I rise as that’s what I need to do. I know what needs to be done. I act. Even if it takes a week, a month, after each angle’s explored, I act.  Now, today, I'm truly stuck screaming for an answer.

There is no answer. My Mother passed away, she’s no longer here and, just the thought of that, makes me cry pure anguish into the world. I’m so angry, almost broken, that the person that’s held my hand from the moment I arrived into the world is no longer here. Then, the next second, all I feel is her memory trying to tell me that I’ll be okay.

This weekend I visited Ireland which, in a way, is facing certain aspects head on. I don’t know the answer. Time heals all but, in this case, there is no healing from this situation. I almost feel that I need to literally bleed tears until I can heal but I just don’t know how to do that. I’ve been brought up, more or less trained, to be self-sufficient. I’ve spent so much time on my own that I do not know how to share these aspects of my life which means, when I’m on my own, I grasp at a chance to let the emotion free. I cry, I scream, I wrestle with the thoughts until the calm invades everything again.

There is no escape from who you are and how you feel. There is no vision of a perfect solution. I can feel my mind, in the background, speaking with my heart, trying to resolve the issues and conflict within. I know that they’ll find a solution, eventually, as that’s how stubborn I must be. I know that I’m not the only person feeling the madness that wants to take control, but I, we, won’t let it.

Life isn’t fair, it’s not meant to be, as it’s natural, progressing forward no matter the cost or implications for feelings, family or anything else. There is a time for all things. Right now, this time in my life, is a time to heal and grow. How on earth I can grow I truly do not know but I still have hope. From all pain there can flow a better path.

I’ll carry on crying, I’ll carry on shouting at random objects, I’ll find a way to let the pain escape as that’s as much as any of us can do. It hurts like hell, it literally makes me want to scream, to thrash around damning the world, but that’s not fair as I can hardly ever expect lenience from a world where no special favour is provided by nature. This is the natural order that has always been, will always be, without question or divergence.

In a way, my own little way, this blog is my own little fountain of expression. I can type, then type more words, slowly and quietly, letting my thoughts escape into the world until I divert to fiction again. This is real life, this is happening now, but tomorrow might just be a work of fiction. I truly hope so.

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Being aware of your own feelings, your thoughts, how you're coping with the world is important so please, no matter how you do it, share!

There's friends, family and forums that should hopefully be ready to listen
http://www.loveshack.org

Thursday, 20 April 2017

You...

Behind those eyes of yours, I can see that you’re a warrior, a stoic hero of life, strong, resilient, conquering, despite the many pieces of yourself strewn across the floor, from previous inflicted damage. You’re brutal, you’re soft, with cracks pieced together with the super glue of promise and hope, admonishing yourself with clear impudence, while caressing your wounds as you pour from a newly formed break.

No matter where or when I am, in this world of ours, I can close my eyes, hearing my own heart beating as I imagine words whispered from your lips. It doesn't matter what you say, as instead, it’s how you say them that works the way they do. I'm entranced, taken within your spell, all knowing and feeling when you’re within my orbit.


I know your life, I've felt it, known it on the many nights of abandonment and feeling. You've been hurt, you've been cured, broken again and again but no matter the situation or crime, you've always, always, surfaced for air. No matter the scar, no matter the depth of the many cuts, you’re one of the few that can still smile and throw it all aside. It might take an army of insults, a magnitude of selfish acts, before you raise a stern eyebrow. I know you can exhale your pain, throwing the tears into the world, but that’s your safety margin and sacrifice.

I've seen you, know all about the moments, where you've found a corner of the room to hide. You've curled yourself, together, legs by your chin, your arms holding you together, as the pain broke through those current scars of yours, reaching for solace. No matter how you hide, no matter where you go, I know that you’re a fighter and survivor. In that place of yours, those moments, you feel with all your heart, exclaiming your disappointment with the world, realising, wondering and rationalising the many sides and victims of the situation.

That’s why I'm here, that’s why I care, that’s why I want you more than anyone in this world. You can see. You can exist despite it all, the injustice, the idiocy of life. Rising like that phoenix, which we've all be told about, you eventually appear, a survival re-birth, re-born anew. Mascara strewn across your face, mild lipstick ever so unkempt, all dried within the layer of tears. Eyes meet, hands join, lips cross together and the world is born again.

If there were only ever going to be one more day, after this very second, I know where I would be and reside. There wouldn't be a fantasy, there wouldn't be any games, it would just be you, me, somewhere warm and no words would be required. We’d speak, oh we would speak, in many, many ways.

Behind those eyes of yours, I can see that you’re a survivor, a brave follower of life, tender, giving, a little brash, despite being able to withstand anything life seems to throw at you. You’re a maverick, you’re outrageous, with skin as resilient as the hardest metal, hardly ever letting anything crack your resolve, dispendious to a fault, clearly astonishing and a woman that hardly ever knows any bounds in this world.


You are you and that’s why I love you. Always.

Wednesday, 12 April 2017

Opinion: When You're Just a Number...

Behind every database, in the world, there sits a number. It doesn't matter if you’re tall, petite, on the lovable side or slender bracket, you’re still a number. Your address is there, your phone number, maybe even a picture of your face depending on the platform but, as mentioned you’re a number and will only ever be that number.


All small businesses start off with healthy appetites, eager, maybe even brash, but ever hopeful of one day becoming the next big name. Maybe I'm being a bit too presumptuous, stating and using the word ‘all’, as some people actually like staying in their own corner of their world, with no reason or reliance on expanding. You might be one of those people if you own a business. Let’s place those healthy people aside for a moment and concentrate on the others.

You’re a business, starting out, already envisioning the future of wealth and prosperity. The future arrives, you've made it bigger and then one of two things might just happen. A bigger company comes along and snatches you up, amalgamates you into their fold, which often means that you’re destroyed or lost along the way. You’re a cog in a very, very, VERY big machine. You might scream, shout at the top of your lungs but, as expected, you’re drowned by the very nature of big business.

The other avenue is the most desired, the big time, the big name that everyone comes to know, speak of and visit. Sales are amazing, spectacular, plus expansion is going well. You hit a few speed bumps along the way, hire a few lawyers and follow the standard practise of things, ensuring that you, as well as your customers, are covered. 

You want to stay personal, special, treating each and every single person as they should be treated but, as I’m sure you’re aware, that’s not the way it goes. For the most part, within your day to day lives, buying from companies is an easy affair.  Within seconds your money flies through the wires and your product quickly arrives. Or, alternatively, you obviously collect your item from a store. Either way the result is that you’re happy (not that any product can truly make a person happy). 

eBay, one of the world’s most famous brands, recently developed a Concierge program which, in a vain effort to make people feel special, offered a cloud and mirror service to their ‘valued’ customers. To me, reading the literature, it seemed to afford the customer what they already had. Marketing, on the other hand, were obviously trying to make me ‘feel’ valued. I didn't. While the service was supposedly offered to me, due to being apparently special, it was also offered to my work account that had 84 feedback. All of the marketing bluster, the special warm words, fell apart into a void that made me smile.

Amazon, another one of the world brands, recently allowed Scan.co.uk to refund 85% of a return price which meant a loss, for me, of £293. Although I provided adequate proof of faults, links, explanations, I had absolutely no control of the situation at all. Customer services, albeit eager to help, all replied with the same comments be they on Facebook, twitter or via their portal.
Disillusioned, angered, annoyed? Not really. I played the game of the person angered by the process, calmly explaining the issues but, as you’re aware, it all fell on deaf ears. After exclaiming the situation, providing information, Amazon and Scan both fell silent due to the logic of details provided. 

Now that I've ranted, back to the blog. I'm a number. I'm not an actual person and, being honest, I can see how and why these situations exist. For every genuine, sincere, honest person returning an item, there will and always will be 10 other people who simply do not care and mistreat systems. But why shouldn't they? They are, after all, again, just a number on a database. In an ideal world, to which I expressed my dissatisfaction, someone, somewhere, within a company, should ‘own’ your issue. They tackle that issue from the very start to the very end. Even a rational counter argument would be sensible but, that’s not really possible, once you’re a number on a list that serves to provide a profit figure and more products to advertise.

Large businesses are not personal, they never can be, with their only solitary goal being to please shareholders and their bottom line. It’s soulless, it’s brutal consumption on an enormous level and, again with this honest thing, I'm also part of the problem. Big companies can own you, literally own part of your life. From the television you watch, the products that are pushed towards you, to trying to root themselves into your life to a point where you’re stuck.

In Amazon’s case, I have my book published on their platform, I buy all of my music from there due to Apple offering m4a instead of mp3 (Yes I know iTunes can convert), I'm a Prime member (cancelled) and, if they sold fruit, I’d probably buy that as well.

When all is written and read, when I sit down to think about these things, especially after being annoyed by the processes forced onto us (Right or wrong), I still cannot escape the fact that you, I, we, everyone, even to the medical, police and government, we’re still and always will be… just a number.

Monday, 10 April 2017

I Need To Go...

I need to go now. I wish that I was staying longer, if only for a few more moments, but life is calling me. I know that there’s a time, an imposed limit, thrown through the void into my life, but that’s okay and mostly accepted. This is where I am, who I’ll become, where I'm heading. If only, I bleed a wish, remembering that the universe cannot dare spare me more time.


I can hear voices, the many moments of time, echoing through my mind. The things I’ve done, the things that I should have done, the places I’d have liked to have visited but, instead, waited for a future moment and time. We all know that it waits for no-one, the life we lead, but there’s always tomorrow. Maybe.

I need to go now. There are lows to life, the wows that arrive from many facets, many avenues, along with the many smiles and moments of laugher. Sometimes, it really does feel, as if the moments all seem to be one. I’d beg for a year of laughter, a year of love, a year of kisses and a year of dreams. I’d gladly throw away the tears, although they’ve made me who I am, in order to just allow room for more adventures.

Life’s real, it doesn’t care for paper planes flying through the air, it doesn’t smile at a child’s laughter, as it’s been there, seen it all, broken down and thrown all the excuses into the darkest depths, then returned for more. It’s realism, it’s realistic, it’s brutal and, most of all, it’s the life we lead.

I need to go now. Looking to the sky, blinking as the sun shines into my soul, I know that there’s a time for everything, a place for everyone, even when that place is nowhere, you have to carry forward everything you leave in your mind. Escape, run away, leave, but above all, realise that you’ll still bring it all with you.

If there were easy solutions, I honestly, hand on heart, might not take them if I had a chance to live again. It’s that realism, the moments, the tears cried in those seconds, that have made us who we truly are on this day. The grass, they say, might be greener, but on which side, in what way, as that grass might be resting on forbidden soil. We just don’t know.

I need to go now. I’m away, I’m cutting away, leaving behind a few moments, a measure of pain, while keeping love within my heart. I know that I haven’t said much, explained myself, but that’s for me to know and for no-one to understand. I’m climbing back towards a healing place. I can feel the pressure, inside, hurting my heart and mind and, because of the person I am, I can no longer hold onto that place.


I need to go now, right now, as I have to heal. There’s a better place calling… .

Tuesday, 28 March 2017

Le Café

Stepping from the plane, each foot finding solid ground, again, after many hours flying through the sky, I exhale and start the slow walk. It’s been hours, days, weeks, months and, unfortunately, a few years, since I last saw your beautiful face. We’d met, years previous, in an old French corner café. Melodic music played, across the street, we caught each other’s eye and the rest’s history.


“Violins”, you’d stated, “Were your favourite instrument”, playing the perfect chord, amongst other thoughts expressed, on the day where we’d tried to impress each other with stories of life, love, loss and more. She had such beautiful eyes, not to mention her fabulous legs that seemed to be on show. Above all, no matter how she looked, it was her voice and words that grasped at my sanity.

They say that it only takes but a moment to feel connected, to share something more than a passing glance, which, in this case, seemed ever so true. We’d exchanged the usual contact details, connected through the digital age, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Whatsapp, plus a couple more. None of those mattered as they could hardly ever compare to actually being with her.

We’d walked, while talking, until we reached a beautiful garden, the Paris Gardens, if I recall. I was cheeky, in those days, brave, filled with such brawn and swagger, a man that knew what he wanted and would never be backwards in moving forwards. We held hands and, even, managed to sneak a small little kiss.

Reaching a flurry of roses, we’d closed eyes, feeling the rose petals against our fingertips and possibly soul. In the blink of an eye, the moment ended and we returned to our normal lives. Tragic, a sudden ending to a story that had hardly even begun. I’d often wonder what, where, how and if, if anything, what would have happened. Work, life, the requirements that trap you firmly to a certain point in time, kept us apart until now.

It’s strange, maybe even poetic, but I would often look through the few photos of that day, recalling, reminiscing, but the main photo was of the Café. Just the café. A place, a moment, minutes later, where we actually met. Sure, of course, I could see many photos on social media but I’ve longed to actually return to the place, to re-ignite that moment, firing off the usual stoic stance before the emotion takes over.

It’s not really about the past, or the future. I can always close my eyes, look back, feel, but that will never compare to living right there, in that second, the emotion in real time. If you’re not feeling, if you’re not aware that you’re alive, then a shallow existence awaits us all. I need to feel. I need to embrace. I, more than ever, realise that time is a luxury, afforded to each of us, until it ends and leaves us floating into the void.

Stepping from the plane, each heavy foot finding solid ground, again, after many hours flying through my mind, I smile and start the quickened walk. It’s been far too long, with too many days, even years, between this place and you. We’d met, years previous, in an old French corner café. Your melody escaped me after that day, where we’d caught each other’s imagination and, today, we’re going to create new moments of history. 

Thursday, 23 March 2017

Musical Fairy Tales

Each note, each tone, each solemn word, echoes through the room, into the hall, striking my senses with such comfort. I could sit here, alone, in this room, for hours and hours just listening. It’s not the words, it’s not really the thought of you, it’s the warmth in your voice that soothes me. Comforts me.  Your voice embraces me in ways that cannot be transcribed into words. A fairytale of life.

You could add a string quartet, a violin to pacify the soul, maybe even a brash harpsicle, but that simply wouldn't provide any further satisfaction. You’re a melody of thoughts, you’re a note within history, a musical symphony for my ever tired soul.



Entrancing, melodic, the whispers of words caressing my ears, trickling across my skin and into my heart. Strings, being played, a rhythm to raise the beating heart, flows into my world and I'm taken to a place I never thought I’d ever realise. If I knew that I wouldn't be caught, embarrassed, I’d possibly stand and move to your echo. Each word, I’d close my eyes, imagine, then feel until the song reached its end.

Suddenly, from nowhere, the words cease and my eyes open. Standing, placing the wine onto the table, I leave the room walking into the long corridor. Each footstep, ever closer, realising that each second in this world is precious, a melody that should be appreciated before the song ends.

I peer around the doorway, filling my eyes with the person that’s you. A smile escapes. A big, warm, caring smile. My eyes soften. You turn your head, ever so slightly, realising and, at the same time, recognising that I'm there. Shuffling musical paper, possibly manuscripts, finding the one that you need, the words flow from your heart once again.

I could fashion many thoughts, prescribe myself your words every single day, but one must not over indulge perfection. Your face lights the room as you sing, further moments etching themselves into my consciousness, ensuring that my affection always, always, reaches for you.

There are fairy tales, written by many, featured in sonnets across the entire globe, that fathom such tenderness, such emotion, yet not one compares to each moment with you. Listening to you. The words move the room and I, as I kiss your neck, feel each one of them.

Each note, each tone, each solemn word, echoes through the room, into my heart, soothing my senses with such comfort. I walk across the room, where I could stay, with you, for hours and hours just listening. It’s not the words, it’s not really the thought of you, it’s everything about you. Just you. Your presence makes me feel ways that cannot, will never ever, be transcribed into words. Fairy tales can, sometimes, come true.


Monday, 20 March 2017

Fear

There’s tales of legend, of fearsome beasts, ghouls, goblins and Spectres that haunt and taunt until the night turns to darkness. The later days arrive and most of these vanish, evaporate, cease to exist and no longer hold power over us. We were children when these entities first appeared, the very few seconds, where fear gripped our insides and widened young eyes.

Those days, for most, have been replaced with real life spiders or nightmares of another kind. Fear has many names, features many facets, can arrive at any moment but hopefully, truly hopefully, doesn't stay for longer than necessary.


We’re built from many emotions, many moments, all stacked together using sticky tape, gum, kisses, harsh words and more. We've grown, we've escaped, but some are still held captive by their own minds. Just like the old black and white films of old, we know that we could run, vanish in the blink of the eye, but could never usually escape the darkness. Each film, eventually, featuring the star facing their demon and, mostly, winning.

With friends, family, the kind words of others and, above all else, our own mind understanding and comforting us through harsh times, we can help overcome great fear. Usually, in the great scheme, I've never been afraid of anything but, saying that, we’re all afraid of something and, eventually, it will catch up to us just like the movies above.

Some fears don’t feature an insane slasher, a grizzly gnashing crazed bear, or a loopy blood filled bunny. Some fears are of the mental kind and most certainly heart breaking. Fear. Despite the word being a seldom used collection of letters, the meaning, above all, does not have to be bleak or ignored. It’s something to strengthen a person, used to stand further into the sky, closer to a place where we can fly.

When you’re there, about to take a step into the unknown, you can either fear what happens next, or, the way I prefer, you can embrace the change and find adventure.  You can prod the fearsome beast’s throat, you could always laugh at the dragon, un-friend the ghoul, or even just invite the goblins and spectres for dinner (But not in the same room as that could get messy).

Fear is what you make of it or how you form from it. When we were children, finally realising that we exist in the world, we overcame great fear without even knowing it was there. You adapted, you joined in at times, or maybe you didn't, but that’s okay as we’re supposed to be individuals and adapt in differing ways.


Never, ever, let the fear into your open heart. Instead, run head first into the darn thing, capture it, embrace it, hold it, crush it and strive towards something better. After all, at the end of our lives, you might just smile and give in to the biggest fear of all.. leaving the world once and for all. At that point, above all, I’d rather remember all the fear that I conquered instead of remembering the moments where I stepped back. Have fear, have all of it as, when you smile, it’ll make you stronger than you've ever been before.






First post of 2017. I had great plans for this year but life, being such as it is, stepped in and had other plans. 

Mum... I miss you and always will
xxxx